Come and Get It

It's time for my first real confession post. One of my favorite hobbies is cooking; I've always found it very calming and enjoyable and, realistically, I just really love food. Lots and lots of food.

Unfortunately, my step (who we'll call J from here on out) is not so open and overjoyed about food. I'm assured this is normal for a child of five; maybe so. My two-year-old nephew has no problem eating whatever food he's provided with most of the time. In fact, one of his favorite foods is hummus. No, I'm not kidding. And I know that one of the reasons why he eats all of his food - new things included - without complaining or fussing is because eating a variety of things has been part of his life for as long as he has been able to consume anything other than breast milk. Conversely, I think J might be extremely picky because she hasn't had a large variety of food in her life; neither of her bio parents cook, and my partner's parents (J's paternal grands) don't do much in the kitchen, either. What, you might ask, did she eat before I arrived on the scene? I have NO concrete idea, but based on some of her commentary, I suspect Domino's and McDonald's are both common.

Regardless of the source, her pickiness is definitely causing a huge amount of frustration for me and it's starting to suck some of the fun out of cooking. Planning a menu for the week ahead before going grocery shopping has now taken on another level of difficulty: will J eat this item, and what will I do if she doesn't? Do I send her to her bio mom's house hungry because she refuses to eat my food, or do I cave and provide a backup meal that's foolproof?

This never-fail backup meal consists of plain rice, carrots or corn, and maybe - MAYBE - some pretty bland chicken. J's favorite adjectives for the other things I have prepared include "sour" and "spicy," neither of which accurately describe things I've given to her. A few times she's requested specific things from me for the next time, and then refuses to eat it when I make it (this has happened on several occasions). A few other times I've made healthier versions of things she already likes. Earlier on in this process, when it was first sinking in that eating might be a problem, I made homemade pizza (wheat crust, hid some veggies in the sauce, etc.).  That night as she sat at the table after more than an hour of dragging her feet about dinner, she cried when she saw the pizza. Cried. And asked to go home to her bio mom's house. One word for that evening: ouch.

That pizza example is by far an extreme, but we're still struggling on a regular basis with this problem. Most nights she'll keep postponing eating; some nights she claims she had a stomach ache before running around our apartment chasing our dog as if nothing was wrong; some nights she claimed she wasn't hungry, and then asked her bio mom for cereal when she got to her house at 8:30 at night. One time, in fact, she waited until I'd taken our puppy outside for a short walk to guilt her dad into running out to get supplies to make her a cheese sandwich despite me taking time to make her homemade chicken noodle soup (as requested). That particular incident was a very sore spot for me; I had to pull my partner aside and insist that he not do that, all the while wondering if I was overstepping my bounds to say so. Again, ouch.

I've read a TON of articles to try to get some help and insight with this problem. I've tried making the food more fun and playful, including her when I cook, etc. I've tried to modify the foolproof quartet (rice, chicken, corn/carrot) by subbing one item out with something new.  The only tip I found that's sort of stuck is a "no thank you bite" rule, in which she has to eat four "no thank you bites" of something I made that she doesn't like. Even that is hardly a victory, because it means she still didn't like the food. Nothing is really working. Nothing beyond the quartet that I have made has resulted in a happy smile on her face, a thank you, or a compliment.

Ultimately, I know none of these things are personal. I do know that J likes me a lot and has accepted me for the most part. Unfortunately, it's hard for me to not get incredibly frustrated with the situation. The questions return: should I have made something else? What will she eat? Should I make a backup meal? Should I stop being a short order cook by making what she asks for? Should I really let her go to her bio mom hungry? Or should I just stop cooking for her altogether and make whatever I want, to hell with her tastes (or lack thereof really)?

I don't really have an answer at this stage. Okay, I guess I do to one of them - no, I won't stop cooking for her. But that the thought has crossed my mind, which just goes to show how irritated the experience has made me. This has been an ongoing struggle for me, and I'm desperately hoping that eventually she'll come around. How to cope with it until that magic day comes? Well, write a blog post, apparently.

Until next time, stay not-so-wicked, stepmothers.

From the Top

Let's start the beginning. My name is Kristin, and I'm 25 years old. Just two years ago, I was living in Washington, DC, finishing graduate school, and working my ass off. I envisioned myself staying in DC for the rest of my life, getting some amazing job right away, and maybe worrying about a serious relationship later. I'd had them for most of my life, and I wanted a break.

As "they" say, things don't often work out the way you expect or plan. Within a few months, I was connecting deeply with an old friend of mine that lived in New York City. As time moved on and we got closer, things evolved into a long distance relationship. I'd done those before and wasn't sure I could manage that for much longer. More importantly, he had a daughter and moving wasn't an option for him.

This past September, I made a major decision for us and moved to NYC. I started a new job (that I love), and settled into living with him. Oh, and one more, TINY thing - I took on the new responsibility of being a pseudo step mother. 

It's been a few months now, and with every challenge I successfully meet, ten more rise up in their place. Being a step anything is HARD, and none of my friends can quite empathize. That's where this blog comes in; this is a place where I'll share my hardships, my successes and triumphs, my flat-on-my-face failures. It's also, hopefully, going to become a place where others can share their own experiences, or take some comfort in knowing that 1., they're not alone, or 2., that someone (me) sucks worse at this than they do. 

With that in mind, I hope you enjoy reading, commenting, and sharing the confessions of a not-so-wicked stepmother.